When Resentment Strikes: Q&A with Mental Health Advocate, Jessica Hendrix
None of us are immune to the feeling of resentment.
Deployments and TDYs are tough whether they are short, long or in between. They often send us on a roller coaster of emotions. One of those emotions that we don’t talk about enough is resentment and how it affects military spouses during deployments.
Feelings of resentment crop up at any point in time during a deployment. I know that I have had feelings of resentment, especially after the deployment we experienced last year when my husband was rapidly deployed with only 48 hours’ notice.
Before this deployment, we had been waiting on PCS orders and he was supposed to be cross training. I caught myself many times thinking, “This is not how it’s supposed to be.”
Resentment became my best friend for weeks. One day, I had to shut my camera off during a Zoom meeting because I started having a panic attack and crying; my spouse was supposed to land at a certain time and I hadn’t heard from him yet.
So, what do we do when resentment takes hold of us and starts affecting our mental health? I asked our amazing Mental Health & Wellness Advocate*, Jessica Hendrix, to help us tackle this subject. Jessica not only volunteers her time with MSAN but has been a mental health therapist for eleven years.
*Please note: MSAN’s Mental Health Advocate provides support and resources to military spouses in the Mentorship-HUB, and does not engage in a counseling role/capacity regardless of education and credentials.
How do I handle feeling resentful towards my spouse while they are on deployment? I feel like we are just getting by while my spouse is out having fun on their deployment, like eating out and seeing new places.
Jessica: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This is a quote that comes up quite a bit in my work as a therapist. As soon as we start thinking about what others are doing, it’s almost always painted in a more advantageous light while our own situation is quite dark. It’s easy to assume they’re out having “fun” while we as the ones left behind are in difficulties up to our ears.
It’s OK and understandable to be angry; it’s a natural emotion! What I recommend is finding ways to focus on what you can control, which is how you think, feel, and behave. We cannot force them to stop having all that (perceived) fun. We allow them to focus on their job, and we focus on our own. Once that focus is more concentrated on our own circumstances, we can start building ways to accept them and have goals that support making this experience the best it can be to yourself.
I do want to acknowledge a particular point: if the deployed spouse is breaking boundaries set up prior to their departure (such as busting open the budget by eating out), then yes, you need to discuss this openly and directly with them, which will in turn address your own frustration.
I agree that focus plays a big part in keeping resentment at bay. I think that every time I felt resentful towards my spouse’s deployment, I had to name who or what was making me feel that way and then refocus. How do I not let resentment take over my daily life when I feel like everything is pushed on me during my spouse's deployment?
Jessica: This is such a great question. We tend to feel overwhelmed when we are taking over the running of the home, tending to the kids, getting the pets to the vet, and so forth. I recommend sitting down with yourself and drawing up reasonable goals that will allow you to accomplish these tasks, but they may need to be adjusted to account for the change in circumstances.
What I mean is this: if you’re handling things by yourself, then the standard needs to match the circumstances. Don’t expect to keep the house clean. Just don’t. Do the bare minimum to avoid a hoarding situation, and then go have fun with your loved ones.
How does resentment affect my mental health without me knowing it?
Jessica: Bitterness and resentment can tend to continue once the deployed partner returns home; we can throw all that pent up frustration on them as means of “punishment” for their absence. Nothing will change the fact that they were gone. Handle your anger before they come home so you can enjoy that time with them.
Are there resources I can have or use when I am struggling with resentment during a deployment or TDY?
Jessica: I don’t know of any specific resources per se. I can, however, provide a list of stress management and self-care mechanisms that may be helpful.
As usual, this is not an exhaustive list: Get a therapist, spend time with friends, helpful self-talk, exercise, yoga, deep breathing, listening to helpful/encouraging/uplifting/fun podcasts, read, get enough sleep (sleep rebellion does not give your time back from tending to the home/pets/kids all day; it just makes the next day worse), get out of the house (thus out of your head), and so forth.
Thank you again Jessica for giving us some great tips on how to handle resentment during deployments or TDYs. It helps a lot to realize that many of us go through this and that we’re not alone in feeling resentful.
Visit MSAN’s Mentorship-HUB to get connected to a spouse community, chat with a mentor 24/7, and connect with advocates like Jessica to help you through the ups and downs of military life.
For a comprehensive list of Family Enrichment programs, confidential help resources, and addressing stress, visit www.militaryonesource.mil.
Laura Daniel is the Deployment and Reintegration Advocate for MSAN. Laura is an Air Force spouse of seven years, has a husky named Atlas and a cat named Ahsoka.
