When Comms Are Down: How to Survive Going No-Contact
My husband stopped talking to me in April.
It's not what you think, though; he was deployed on the USS Abraham Lincoln, and communications were down. I finally heard from him after almost a month of radio silence. It was a quick one-off message that essentially said, "Hey, we're having internet issues, everything's okay, love you, miss you," but it meant the racing thoughts that still appear after this long finally quieted down.
It's not at all uncommon for contact to be patchy or for it to stop completely during deployments for so many reasons, including normal movement through sensitive areas, equipment failure, it could be warranted by current events, or it could be none of the above. But if you are like me, and have a brain that likes to jump to conclusions or intrusive thoughts, you know that it can be really stressful to suddenly hear nothing. Your brain goes to the scariest places, and you can't sleep.
It happened during his first deployment to the Gulf in 2003, and it happened just this past April. And even after 20 years, my brain still goes to some scary places. I have learned how to pull myself back from the ledge, though, and have compiled some of my own best practices for when communication is patchy or nonexistent:
If you are like me and tend to immediately think worst-case scenarios, ask yourself if you have any concrete evidence of that worst-case scenario. Ask yourself if you have heard anything from an official DoD source–not a one off rumor or social media–that lends credence to that scary thought. The answer in my case has always been no, and news is almost always good news or at least very boring news. Making my brain actually think about those "what ifs" does bring me back to Earth.
Try to distract yourself (easier said than done, I know,) with something that will let you throw your whole brain into it, even if it's just binge watching a comfort show or taking a walk to clear your head. Naps are a personal favorite of mine!
Keep sending them messages or write drafts to send when the internet is back up. A lot of folks find that writing in a physical journal, recording voice messages, or making videos helps a lot.
Remember that your feelings are valid and allow yourself to feel them. Process how you are feeling, notice what your body and mind are doing, and be present. Processing feelings and emotions properly is essential to moving forward!
Nobody likes going no contact, myself included, but it is an unfortunate reality at times in military life. I can 100% promise, though, that your significant other/spouse is as eager to reach out to you as you are to hear from them. Please give yourselves grace. You're doing great, and I am so proud of you.
